Too Proud.

Sitting in my bed, listening to the rain as well as the perfect song.
Soaking in the sound of thunder, taking in the flashes of light through my blinds, and just processing the day.

So I write to you my friends. Hoping that the Lord will use this post only to draw you closer to Him, by connecting our hearts. A connection can only happen through communication and vulnerability. So here I am, communicating and being vulnerable to you. Beth Moore once said blogging is not for the proud but for the honest. Oh, how our honesty can bring such healing not only for ourselves but for others. But that is a different thought for a different post.

Get comfortable and lets dig in.
Warning: its long. but bear with me. :)

Honestly y'all, today has been exhausting. I went to church this morning and God wrecked me. I then went to lunch and God wrecked me. Weird, I know, but it happened. I then went home and sat on my mommas bed and cried like a baby and we shared our hearts. Then off to Starbucks to study my heart out, just needing to be with Jesus.

This morning Pastor Nick preached on the Power of the Holy Spirit. It was the last part of his sermon that got me. He spoke over our struggles and having heavy hearts. He talked about our struggles and how they bring us closer to Jesus. Oh, how I needed to be reminded of this. Y'all, I have been struggling. I have been struggling with doubt of my salvation. It has been draining. I have been really transparent about my doubt with a lot of people but not with everyone. It is scary to mention it. To reveal that a girl who feels called to ministry and claims to love Jesus with all that I am, struggles with doubt. It doesn't match up.

I nailed down my salvation in the 8th grade. I remember praying with all of my might that Jesus would save me, that the best that I knew how, I was giving my life to Christ. I wanted Him to be Lord of all that I was. I knew that life wasn't worth it unless I was living for Christ. Y'all as I was praying the devil was whispering in my ear, "You don't mean this." But I know that I did. I knew that I wanted it. The spiritual warfare was Cray Cray. Fo Real. Honestly guys, it took me a year to fully get over the doubt. Jesus definitely showed Himself to me, and was there but I couldn't shake it. In talking to one of my youth pastors he was super blunt with me and just said, "Monica, you are not trusting Jesus." He has got this. You need to trust Him. That day something clicked. I knew that the grace of God was covering me. Jesus did all that I needed Him too. I finally took the perspective off of myself and stopped trying so hard. I just let His blood cover me. For the next four years the doubt was gone.

You see, I believe that my doubt is a product of when I start trusting myself and my works more than I trust the blood of Jesus. I look at my life at times, and think to myself, I got this. I do good work. Even as I write this, I laugh at myself. Nothing I can do is good enough. Jesus is the only good in me.

Fast forward to now..doubt has crept back into my life. I was trying to do it on my own. I am called to ministry y'all. I've known it since the 8th grade. But I have been trying to do it on my own power. I needed to be reminded that it is NOT me. It IS Jesus. He is worth it all. Not me.

I would go to church and be like DADGUM something was missing. Lo and behold, it was Jesus. I took my life back in my own hands and was trying to be good enough rather than just resting in what He did for me. I was doing church. I would raise my hands knowing He was worthy but missing out on Him. So I would question, "Is this for real?"

It is. :)

Today Pastor talked about the comfort of the Holy Spirit. Even in our trials and tribulations. My doubt is definitely a trial. One that I bring on myself, but also one that the Lord uses for His glory. I was so broken because I needed that comfort. I went home and talked with mom through what was going on in my heart and she prayed over me. It was such a sweet time with her. The Lord granted my heart peace. I know that I am His.

From that point I went to Starbucks and just read the Word. I read Ephesians chapters 1-3, as well as a devotional, My Utmost for His Highest.
"Some of us are far from this oneness; yet God will not leave us alone until we are one with Him-- because Jesus prayed, "..that they all may be one.." -My Utmost for His Highest

Ephesians chapters 1-3 also mentioned being one with Christ 7 times.

I realized at Starbucks that Jesus is sanctifying me. Which is just a really fancy word for making me more like Christ. He is going to allow doubt to creep in my mind whenever I am doing this whole being a Christian thing on my own. He wants me to be one with Him. I can't be one when I am doing everything on my own. It. Is. Him.

He wants to be one with you. He doesn't want to just be someone you say you believe in or someone that you talk about every so often. He wants to be one with you. Just like a husband is one with his wife. A husband and wife know each other. They know EVERYTHING about each other. He wants me to know all of Him so I no longer doubt. So I know his promises. So I know that He has crazy good plans for my life. But mostly so He can be glorified in me. Do you know that God is most glorified when we are satisfied in Him. When we find every need in Him. Every desire is for Him. He is worth it. Even now, as I write to you. I am amazed at His love for me.

I know this post is long. And kinda all over the place. You got a glimpse of my heart. And what God is doing. He is asking for all of me. And not for me to do life on my own, but to let Jesus be alive in me. He wants you, reader, friend, to know Him.

The Gospel is as simple as this: I will never be good enough. Even on my very best day, it is not enough to be enough. I am a sinner. Jesus is enough. He was sinless, a perfect sacrifice. And God did just that. God sent Jesus to die on the cross to take all my imperfections, all my doubt on himself. He died for me. He rose again three days later and conquered all my sin. He conquered the devil that whispered in my ear. He placed me into heaven, forever. Not because I was good enough. But because I believe in who He says He is. I gave my life to Him. And He took it. Dirty and doubtful Monica is now Clean and believing.

Who are you? Do you know Him? Really know Him? Is He everything?
Let me know.

Email me or fb me if you have specific questions that you don't want to post or contact me if you want to share your story.
monica.smith10@okstate.edu

love you.